I was going to make a new Tumblr (I’m slacking on that so much) but eh. 

So let me just update this thing. I haven’t been on in forever. 

I kind of feel like I’m in the process of self-discovery. I set up my first counseling appointment to talk about my ADD (or whatever I may have if that’s not it.) I’m getting my hair cut today. I want it to be short. I miss short hair. I’ve had it through most of high school, and I’m going to try and maintain it so it stays above my shoulders. 

I think everyone needs to go through periods of change, periods of doing things to find out the kind of person he or she is. I feel like I’ve been slacking in the process of identifying who I am, so this year I’m running to catch up with me. Baby steps at the moment, trying to align the person I am with the person I want to be. Trying to get rid of this person who is everything I was, and everything I don’t like being, and become the person I truly am. 

I have let too many other people define me and I have taken no time to define myself. 

I had an epiphany yesterday. I realized how lucky I am. 

Too many of my friends are in situations they don’t want to be in or that I wouldn’t want to be in. 

I am thankful that I haven’t wasted too much time on stupid frivolous relationships, that I’m sticking with my decisions about marriage and children. I am happy I know myself, that I know I am not ready for those responsibilities. I am proud of myself for taking this time to find the niche for myself and to address whatever mental block is in my head. 

In five minutes I’m going to reapply my lipstick and head out to my hair appointment. 

I want to wish all the luck and happiness to my friends, and the courage to the things they want to. 

I think I might go ahead and make a new tumblr. 

So, I’ve been sick for an entire week. I’m just thankful I’m getting some reprieve from the congestion in my ears (which is exceptionally painful).

Whatever is going around sucks. I’ll be so happy to be mostly healthy again.

I haven’t posted in a long time. Eh, don’t care really. This is a blog. I’m just posting my opinions. 

Also, I have been pretty sick.

Anyway.

So, Britney Spears and Lady Gaga have new releases. At the same time. 

I like both artists, and I kind of dig both songs.

Although whoever said Lady Gaga was the next John Lennon should be shot repeatedly in the face. 

I like how everyone feels they have to pick who they like better. Why can’t they just like both? I mean it’s not like politics where you really can only have one option. There’s no gradient scale of Gaga/Britney where you have to plot your degree of like/dislike. Honestly. Stop being stupid.

First off, Britney has come a long way and I’m happy she’s overcome her breakdown and all the adversity in her life. Celebrity status is not an easy thing to handle. It’s a lot of pressure. You have to keep in mind your image, health, blah blah blah. That she managed to stay well known is quite feat. And there hasn’t been a flop amongst her albums yet. She has had at least one single per album. 

Lady Gaga, while being annoying and full of fail (meat outfit) at times, hey she has a good message in her new song. Her music is different, catchy and infectious. And considering she’s honestly not the most attractive woman (that’s just my opinion. If you think she’s hot, good for you.) she’s pretty much a household name. Sometimes, I think she tries too hard to be weird. But hey, that’s her business. Although, as a vegetarian and supporter of animal rights, she loses major points for the meat thing -_-

In conclusion, both artists have their strengths, weaknesses, crappy songs, good songs. Britney has been around a lot longer and has shown an incredible amount of growth and personal exploration as a person and an artist. Gaga has only been around a few years, but has shown promise. Hopefully, she hasn’t peaked and a lot of new and …interesting songs will come our way.

That’s my two-cents.

Also, 

NEW MARBLE HORNETS AND TOTHEARK!!!!!! I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT

Even though it’s terrified the living hell out of me…

Depending on your viewpoint in psychology, I’m either very late or very early in the game. 

I read that people don’t usually find themselves till their in their late-thirties, early-forties (I could be wrong on the age, but I’m close enough)

I feel like my bad friendships and relationships are pushing me down each step to maturity, as well as some of the rougher experiences as a kid. 

I’m finding myself a piece at a time. 

This piece is that I think I have kept my long hair FOR people. I realize how much I hate having long hair though. The times I have had short hair, I think I was much happier. Even if it doesn’t look as good, so fucking what? I’d rather keep it short and have less to stress over than keep it long even though I hate it just to appease some idiotic boyfriend who, if they don’t love me enough to love me regardless of the length of my hair, I should have kicked to the curb ages ago.

I think a lot of my anger is also coming out o_o

Which, in effect, is making my focus problems much worse.

-My nose

-My cheekbones

-My voice in real life (not recorded)

-My tattoo

-My lips

-My love of learning

-My love of art

-My morbid sense of humor

And I don’t just mean looks. Physical appearance is only somewhat meaningful, you know. 

True beauty is deep inside the heart, soul, and mind. 

I want portrait tattoos of some people I consider beautiful… I’m definitely going to be waiting a while, since tattoos are serious investments. I guess this gives me time to know what I want.

I definitely want Audrey Hepburn, Shirley Manson, Helena Bonham Carter, Vincent Price, Rex Harrison, Gene Tierney, Jensen Ackles, and Fran Drescher.

…In other thoughts, I think I have some degree of attraction to females. I prefer men, but I can appreciate attractive women (unless in a relationship where the guy likes to point out other females >.>) 

I’m so happy to be home with my cats, even if the humidity in the air makes my skin and hair disgusting faster and my sleep schedule sucks… My baby makes me feel so much better about my life, ADD or no. 

I do sometimes wish I had a boyfriend again. Although, I’d never take back anyone I have previously dated or been interested in. I believe all of those persons are tainted by the events shared between us. I guess I should be thankful I was never someone who went for the break-up-make-up thing. My brain may not always work the way I want it to, but I don’t forget or forgive certain things. 

I look back on the past, and I don’t feel that I miss someone or that I shouldn’t have left them or let them leave me. I feel glad to be free of them, and, upon constant analysis, my decisions were correct and I am better for not going back or letting sentimentality or guilt rule me as a person.

I truly abhor guilt, or anyone who tries to make someone feel guilty in an attempt to make them do things. I have hated myself intensely for the times I myself have attempted to do it. 

I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. I’m trying to correct my own issues so I can pursue a better everything. Better money, better relationships, a better love of life, or joie de vivre. 

I may not post on here as much, I think spending less time online will help my focus while I wait for treatment. At least less time on here. Although lately I’ve been staying near my phone more. I also have purchased a set of pink Moleskin journals which I intend to try and write in as much as I can. Sometimes I forget, but I think it will aid me as a sort of self-therapy. 

I could probably do it better online, but I’m trying to wean myself off blogs for the most part. 

As a person of easily distractedness, I think limiting my areas of focus will only help.

I won’t totally vanish off the face of the planet, but I need to teach myself how to balance everything better. I’m a very “all-or-nothing” personality when it comes to… well, communicating in general actually. 

I suck at reaching out, actively, for help. 

When I want someone to care, I can’t ask for it. It feels like admitting people never notice emotional changes, which, for the most part maybe they don’t. Or they just think you don’t need anyone at all. I’m certainly working at meeting people half-way, even if it never seems like it.

I really am. 

I’m alive! 

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate traveling?

I enjoy going places, sure…

But the process…

NO

Also, I may have ADD/ADHD

Yeah.

Reality is very disappointing.

Which is why I bury my nose in books and movies.

I feel like my blood has become purely endorphins and adrenaline. It almost makes me miss having a boyfriend, just so I could release my sadist and cause some pain.

I danced pretty hard though. 

Alpha male bullshit aggravates me. 

I really just want to lie down and pretend this new found popularity never touched me.

I mean, it’s seriously enough that every single person I have fallen for has been a piece of scum. I am tired of it. 

I don’t seriously ever think I ask for much. It’s almost like, if there is a God or some lesser god who watches over me, he or she takes great pleasure in finding new ways to piss me off. 

Thank goodness for awesome friends or I may just try really hard to blow up a country.